Abbey’s Story
When our Hearts Changed Forever
The world changed for our family on 20th April 2022. Our Wednesday in PCH was the worst day we have ever had to face, and we faced heartbreak that was not expected. The morning was a regular day within the four walls at PCH. We were known to PCH and each time we got to take our girl home and continue with the next day, but this time round was not the case. This is not the way things work for us, this is not the outcome we expected. We as a family were devastated. We had to leave PCH without our daughter, without a sibling and an empty wheelchair.
Our beautiful girl Abbey left this world to be an Angel and left us heart broken.
The realisation had not really kicked in on that day, even that night. Leaving the hospital with Abbey’s wheelchair empty, it was full of Abbey’s belongings but not her. This is not the way we normally leave hospital. It was the hardest walk ever. To try and be strong for the rest of your family.
Our other children needed support but so did we.
The loneliness of child loss is something so hard to explain.
We have lost family members. Even our own parents. But I do not think anything really compares to the loss of your own child. People can be there to support you. However, they cannot feel the absolute pain and loss in your heart. It is extremely hard to explain, and I think only parents in that situation will understand.
We were a family of 5 - three girls. Abbey was our middle daughter. She was full of sass, laughter and knew exactly what she wanted. Abbey was 16 years old when she passed away. Abbey was born with her disabilities and had spent many hours, days and weeks within PCH and even the old PMH. She loved her sisters so much and they loved her. They would always be the ones to get a hug from her before mum and dad, but that is ok as it was always beautiful to see the love they all had for each other.
Those first few days after Abbey’s passing were a blur. We now question how we got through it - lack of sleep, emotional distress, and heartbreak all in one. The love and help we were surrounded by helped us.
One piece of advice I give any family in this situation, accept help, accept love and accept if you need alone time.
Be kind to yourself. If you need your private time, use it.
How do we do life now? How do we support our daughters? How do we continue? Big questions we did not have answers for. We had to find our way, find the answers. Looking into the future was hard.
We had to do one day at a time.
Our new priority was our daughters.
Our oldest daughter, who was 18 at the time, had put a wall up. She did not know how to talk about Abbey or even mention her name. We openly would use Abbey’s name, we wanted to. The memories made us smile and laugh but we think the pain was too much at that time. We tried to talk to her, but she wasn’t ready and at the time being her parents that was hard to accept. People said, ‘Give her time, when she is ready.’
Our youngest daughter was 14. She would not leave our side. We could not even walk to end of the house without being questioned where we were going. She didn’t want to lose another person and was scared. Anxiety grew and grew and grew. School became an issue. Leaving either Ward or myself was an issue and I don’t blame her. We tried to get her counselling help however she wasn’t a talker, and that was with me in the room, as she wouldn’t go in by herself.
Returning to work was hard. Personally, as parent I think we both could have used more time. However, to try and get the new normality for our children I felt we had to make the move to show them how we could do it, therefore they would feel they could also do it. This was hard.
Both Ward and I wanted more time… We needed more time.
It was time to face people, deal with the outside world with a broken heart and a huge piece of our life was not with us anymore. You know you need to make that move but when is the right time? I don’t think we could ever answer it. It’s one of the firsts. The first of many things you don’t want to face and don’t know how you will but guess what... You will.
You will pass the first birthday without them. The first Mother’s Day. The first Father’s Day. The first Christmas. There are so many firsts but then you get to the second. Every year is hard. People say time helps heal. Deep down at the time you think to yourself ‘No Way! I will never heal.’ I agree with that, however I think it is that we learn to deal with it better than we used to. Not sure that makes sense but time will tell.
Who do you speak to as a parent who has lost a child? That was hard for me. I could not find the right person, I was even questioned on one of my visits ‘Why are you crying, what is making you sad?’ ARE YOU SERIOUS? Yes, I got up and walked out.
I didn’t want to keep retelling my story.
I felt it was easier just to try and deal with it myself. I didn’t know where to turn to. It was a lonely path that I felt no one could help me with. I did reach out on some social media groups and met some people but how often do you ask questions about how you are going?
It was difficult - a path that is hard to explain.
When we were asked to join FOOTPRINTS Advisory Group, we did hesitate, and that was only because we thought it would be too hard. However, we thought if we can help just one family who is going through a similar journey that is enough to say ‘Yes, we will partake.’ Yes, some meetings were emotional. However, that first initial meeting hearing others’ grief journey we didn’t feel alone. We all cried with each other.
However, we also understood.
We really hope that FOOTPRINTS can help families in some way, giving a little direction, let people know they are not alone.
